A letter…

A letter to the people in my life, and for anyone else who knows someone struggling mentally:

Given the circumstances of the last week, and my lifestyle the last few years really, I should have anticipated the likelihood of a relapse. The truth is, I have been sick for months but I chose to put my goals and team before my health. I knew this, my psychiatrist knew this, and my family knew this- and I regret nothing. However, I did not anticipate how the loss of a dream would feel. Every morning since, I wake up and am surprised the sky isn’t falling. Sounds dramatic right? After all it is just a game. Wrong. Elite sport is more than sport. It is a lifestyle, a mindset and a full-time job. And, it is a long-term commitment to 20+ others who choose to do the same.

Unknown Artist

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The statistics say that 1 in 4 people experience mental illness in their lifetime- 450 million people at this very moment. Now, imagine all those people have families, friends, colleagues, and neighbours that they interact with. That’s a lot of people that mental health effects.

I have been thinking about this idea a lot lately. When I went through my first depressive episode in university I wanted to hide it for my own selfish reasons. I was embarrassed, guilty and ashamed. And although I do feel those things frequently, now I want to hide my illness to protect the people in my life that matter most. I want my parents to be able to sleep at night. I want my sister and boyfriend to be able to focus solely on school. I want my teammates to feel free to grieve the Olympic qualifier loss in their own way and not have to tip-toe around me. I don’t want to let my illness infect everyone around me because it hurts and they do not deserve it. But I promised myself years ago that I would never hide again.

So, to my loved ones I’m sorry I’m hurting you. I promise in time I will be ok. Be patient with me. A friend once posted a quote on Instagram that said, “I don’t want you to save me. I want you to stand by my side as I save myself,” and it is true. No one person can “fix” someone going through a rough patch. What you can do is hold their hand. Cheer them on. Watch a crap movie with them (even when it is crap). Listen to them when they need someone to listen. Ask them how you can help, but don’t be frustrated if the person doesn’t know exactly what they need. Let them make choices. Give them space, but invite them to join you in activities when you have time. Avoid assuming things. And most importantly, love them for the unique person they are. Depression is an illness not a personality trait.

~

Mental illness is brutal, but supporting someone with mental illness is just as brutal. Talking about mental illness is brave, but sticking by someone who has mental illness is heroic. I am SO thankful for you.

Han.

Ps. This too shall pass;

Carissa Porter @peopleiveloved